Not In Kansas Anymore
by Midorima Kazunari
Summary: Deadpool crashes the party in Gotham City. This fic is dedicated to Scorp. Happy birthday, darling!


"Yaaaahhhoooooo!" Deadpool screamed as he soared between the two buildings and slammed through the window, executing a forward rolling dive and landing on his feet with guns pointing at the tableau before him.

Deadpool's head fell to one side, confused and disappointed.

"Where the fuck am I?"

A man in a rubberized suit, a cowl, and an attitude was off to the left. He stood loose and ready, some sort of projectile weapon in his hand.

 _Are those muscles formed into the suit?_

 **I'm not asking him; he looks like he could kick our ass without breaking a sweat.**

A man of indeterminate age stood to the far right, twin guns pointing back at Deadpool.

 _Fucking cool mask!_

 **We should ask him where he got it.**

"I like your hood, your uh, red hood," Deadpool said out loud. The man wearing the garment said nothing.

Center stage, another man wearing blue and black stood behind a young woman on a stool, sewing shut a bullet wound that cleared both sides of her shoulder. Her equipment was in a pile on the floor. Hers was the only face completely visible in the bunch, and that wasn't a bad thing, since she'd be hot if she weren't glaring at him.

 **Clean shot – that explains the smell of blood and cordite.**

 _Are those gloves or gauntlets on the floor?_

 **I don't know. Does one have fingers and the other not? I can never remember.**

"Um, you're not Tony Stark, billionaire playboy, and I have a feeling I'm not in Kansas anymore," Deadpool said, holstering his guns.

"This is Gotham," said the taller and oldest of the three men, his voice low and gravelly.

The one with the guns still had them out and pointed at Deadpool's head.

"How far is Gotham from New York?" Deadpool asked, ignoring the menace.

"If you wanna get ta New York, ya'd better move along before I put a new hole in ya face."

 _Aw, that's cute, he thinks he's being all tough._

"Red Hood, stand down," the leader said.

"You're kidding me. Red Hood? Like Little Red Riding Hood? What a stupid name!"

Jason strode forward three long lengths and pushed his pistols into Deadpool's forehead.

"I've got this, Batman. Ya think its funny now, punk?"

"I kid; I'm a comedian, just a regular joker –"

Jason cocked both guns. "Take off the mask, asshole, real slow."

"Well, I usually don't… but since you asked so nicely," Deadpool lifted his mask over his mangled chin and then stopped. "I should warn you, though, that the face doesn't match my hawt bod, machismo, and alluring voice; don't say you haven't been warned."

Deadpool pulled the mask free of his sweaty face, and Jason made a disgusted, yet relieved noise, and lowered his weapons about a quarter of an inch.

"So, I'm Deadpool, darling. What name am I going to want to moan when we get to know each other better?" He winked and smiled at the girl over Red Hood's shoulder.

"You really don't know who we are, do you?" asked the girl.

"Nope, never had the pleasure of putting my eyes on the likes of you before, and trust me, I never forget a pretty face. Where I'm from, we have this humanoid bat guy with the horrible name of Man Bat, but no Batman or whatever it is you're trying to pull off with that blue and black motif, buddy," he snarks, gesturing at them.

"What the hell happened ta ya?"

"Cancer, Little Red Riding Hood, you have that in this universe, right? But don't feel too bad for me; it just means I can kiss you, and French her at the same time –" Deadpool had only a millisecond to react, but he was too close to miss the two bullets leaving the barrel at 2,500 feet per second.

Deadpool's eyes opened onto a much different scene. Batman had Red Hood lifted a good two feet off the floor, dangling from the fist clenched in his t-shirt.

"This is not our way, Jason, this was never our way. Your irresponsible behavior led to one of us being shot –"

"Bruce," she said, putting a restraining arm on his shoulder, "It was my wound and I'm the one who gets to shout at him about that. Just, stop, please."

"Fine, but he still murdered that man," Batman growled, lowering Jason a few inches toward the ground.

"Because he kept making ugly comments ta –"

"Oh, Jason, I've heard worse perverted comments from the guys at work."

"And I'd kill them, too," Jason snarled.

"I checked the records, but I couldn't find a Tony Stark, billionaire playboy," said the guy in the black and blue. Deadpool continued to lay there, regaining his senses. "I did find an Anthony Starke in Blüdhaven. Guy appears to be a run of the mill accountant. I'll check him out, just in case."

"Excellent work, Dick," Bruce acknowledge.

"Mememememe, _dick_ ," Jason mocked in a higher octave, mimicking Bruce's speech pattern.

 _What a fucked up family!_

 **They need some serious counseling. Do you think we should help that guy? He's actually pretty cool. Who just shoots someone in the head for making a comment like that? We could totally be friends with him.**

Deadpool groaned and sat up, "Stop getting in the kid's grill. He only did what everyone wants to do; no harm, no foul."

Four sets of eyes turned to where Deadpool sat on the ground and watched him pull his mask back on.

"Holy Lazarus, Batman!"

No one said anything for a second and then Batman lowered Jason to the ground.

"How are ya still alive? I blasted two bullets inta your brain at point-blank range."

"I have Wolverine's healing factor, so yeah, that's only gonna slow me down."

"A wolverine doesn't have a healing factor," the black and blue clad man said, confused.

"Not _a_ wolverine, _The_ Wolverine. You know what? I don't think I'm just in the wrong comic; I think I'm in the wrong universe altogether," Deadpool said, getting slowly to his feet. He stretched and rotated his shoulder joints, cracking the bones of his neck.

"How much do you think he heard?" she asked.

"Good question, darlin'," Jason said, pulling his guns back out.

 _Dude's pretty stupid to try that again._

 **Some people have to see it at least twice. You can't blame him for trying.**

 _Let's get outta here and see if Gotham has any good tacos._

 **I'd rather just go home. We know where the good tacos are at home. I don't want to get the runs in another universe.**

As Jason stepped up to Deadpool – pistols already cocked – Deadpool reached down and activated his transporter. "Body slide by two," he said and became Cable's problem.

* * *

 **A/N: Happy birthday, Scorp!**

Thanks to Dark, for helping me with those damn commas.


End file.
